Infinite State Automaton

I finished updating the links in the furniture section that Anna went shopping for. Now all my furniture is picked out, I just have to wait for my first big phat pay check to roll in so I can spend it all.

In all seriousness, my first couple of pays will go on finally crushing out whatever remnants of debt I will still have. It's really ironic that I have at last got a professional job at around the same time I actually got my finances under control. Well, perhaps not. If I had rolled right into this job with the same spending habits I had six months ago, the situation would not have improved except that the quality of the things I was wasting my money on would improve substantially. Now I am actually in a position, and have an attitude, towards saving money towards my future.

I don't know where I will be in six months time. Fifteen years ago, I knew it all - I was going to become a games programmer, make kick ass games, and my life would be set. I didn't care where I was going to live because my life would be care free, I would be jet setting around the world on a perpetual holiday, stopping once every three or four months to release another major blockbuster that the gaming world would go mad over, before going on another luxury trip. Then as time went by and I started to get a better understanding, my vague ideas slowly coalesced into a better form - I was going to finish University, work at Ratbag (an Adelaide based computer games company), then move to Illinios and live with my at the time girlfriend Dana.

But things started to fall apart. I didn't reach the goals I had set for myself. Instead of blitzing through university with the top grades that I had honestly expected, I failed subjects, was delayed, and even eventually split up with Dana. It's ten years this year on what was supposed to have been a three year degree. Oh, it hasn't all been downhill! On the way there have been things that have slowed me down, true, but if I really sit back and am honest with myself a lot of the problems were because I took on too much volunteer stuff, failed a willpower thing, or didn't have the courage to say no to something that I couldn't afford to do. The problems I have had for the last five years are symptoms of bad decisions I made in the previous five. I don't blame anybody else for the situations I have been in. They were my own bad ideas, usually made from a selfish or childish opinion, with little forethought or based soley around dreams.

My natural father is a dreamer. He would always say, "I am going to do this," or "When I do this, this will happen," or "My plan is to..." I despised my fathers inability to finish anything that he had begun. His life is a history of part time jobs that he spent six months at, almost always in different fields - railroad worker, kitchen designer, hotel manager, retail assistant, photographer...to me this kind of indecisive nature is frustrating, unreliable and unsustainable. When I identify the flaws that I see in my father that I have previously criticised, it is a major shock to later find that I am the same as him in so many ways.

Are things truly different now? These last ten years have been difficult for me. A lot of it feels to have been wasted time, where I am just sitting around waiting for other events to happen so I can move forward again. Excuses that I have made as a reason not to do something so that it seems too hard so that I don't have to do it. Not calling somebody because my phone is disconnected, when there is a payphone outside. Not doing an assignment one night because I can do it the next day. Not working on my programming because there is no deadline for it...instead of honing my skills in areas that will matter some day, I seem to be pursuing intangible goals that have no real pay off. When I had two hours spare today, I bummed around the house, doing tiny errands in no order and wasted time when I could have, heavens, even been grinding something useful in WoW or working on REPAST.

I've come a long way in maturity in the last few years but I still don't really feel like an adult most of the time. On the surface it looks good (I think). I know the areas I need to improve in. For the last five years, my excuse for not doing these things has always been because of Donut King. In a few weeks time, I won't have that excuse anymore.

Will I do it? Will I be able to come out from hiding behind the reasons for not doing things, and defeat the demons of ten years of failure that have clouded me? I can't say for certain. But already I can see an attitude shift. Instead of thinking, "I can't do this because..." I find myself thinking, "I will be able to do this now that..." I'm simoultaneously excited and afraid. I'm nervous, but happy.

All the different roads of my life are coming together. I know where I want to be. I know how I'm going to get there. Every single major obstacle has been removed. The road is clear. I just have to walk it.

In response to Dani:
Taren is fury specced. Originally I picked a warrior for him because we were going to do the "Fill Tim's guild with nub drenai" thing; Erelah is a hunter, Funshinebear is a priest, it just seemed like the logical choice. I went with fury spec while Taren is levelling but I might respec at a later date if we start doing instances. However in the end game, I already have a prot spec character - Malachiel - if the guild wants tank at end game from me, I will put forward the Paladin. If there is already a main tank better than Mal, it makes better sense for a Fury warrior instead of another protection spec unit.

Malachiel has some pvp goals.

Grand Marshall's Quickblade - 20 Eye + 15300
Grand Marshall's Barricade - 20 Eye + 15300
Grand Marshall's Scaled Gauntlets - 20 AV + 10098
Grand Marshall's Scaled Shoulders - 20 AB + 10098
Grand Marshall's Scaled Legguards - 30 WSG + 16065
Grand Marshall's Scaled Helm - 30 AV + 16065
Veteran's Scaled Belt - 40 AB + 17850
Veteran's Scaled Bracers - 20 WSG + 11794
Veteran's Scaled Greaves - 20 Eye + 17850
Veteran's Band of Triumph (X2) - 20 AV + 30600
Veteran Pendant of Triump - 10 Eye + 15300

This requires 176320 honor, and the following marks:

Eye of the Storm: 70
Warsong Gulch: 50
Arathi Basin: 60
Alterac Valley: 70

Currently he has 24509 honor, and the following marks:

Eye of the Storm: 1
Warsong Gulch: 24
Arathi Basin: 15
Alterac Valley: 83.

It's really hard to get an Eye of the Storm game. If I don't log on for a pvp game before 11 am my time, it just doesn't happen, even during an honor weekend. It was also impossible to get an Alterac Valley game in the 40-59 bracket in Area 52 - I wonder if all the Eye of the Storm games are in the 70 bracket? The scaled armor set is surprisingly useful for Mal as a tank - it has less resilience and more stat and ability buffs, particularly +Str, +Sta and +Int, as well as a number of helpful set bonuses including decreased hammer of justice timers and increased Seal of the Crusader damage (which he uses almost all the time). I'm not satisfied with Mal's damage output at the moment, so I bought him a new sword today and am going to look at getting +attack power/+str gems to help increase it.

I probably won't pvp with Taren and focus on getting him up to a more useful level as a priority for him.