Infinite State Automaton

Once more, to battle. I have been granted a deferred assessment.

What does it mean?

It means that, even though I failed one of my subjects this semester, I am allowed to redo one assignment. It means that I get one more chance to graduate this semester. Normally I seem to leave all of my assignments to the last minute. This time, I already started. This assignment is due January 20. I am going to make it.

Well, I completed the 'find a gym' step from below. My next objective is to complete my assignment so that University is DONE and I can put it behind me forever.

I had some problem with this assignment because I reached a hurdle I could not clear. I cleared that hurdle half an hour ago, and I am so excited and hyperactive I can't focus. So I am writing here to burn off my energy so that I will calm down and start working again. It is kind of a boring way to spend New Years Eve.

This world is a wonderful place. Even a desert is not devoid of a heartbeat. You can hear it if you know how. The quiet, unending heat, when the wind has paused for a moment - allow the knowledge of that place, the timelessness of it all, to wash over you and your place in the vast infinity of the ultraverse. At the same time you are both insignificant and the center of everything.

There is something amazingly refreshing about letting go of something that you had been holding on to. It doesn't matter any more.

Every sunrise the desert changes. The dunes have moved, the sand has shifted, footprints are erased and replaced anew. Cast something off there, and the world will bury it and forget it for a time. Also sins, regrets...for four billion years the deserts have been quietly harbouring what the rest of the world cannot.

I have great love for this world. I want to protect it.

Some person said something like this to me, not so long ago.

"You are always trying to do everything. You are full of energy and enthusiasm, and you know that if you put your mind to anything, you can do it! But, you try to do EVERYTHING all at once. It's impossible. A person can't run in two directions at once. It's the same with these things. If you put your plans in an order you can achieve them one after the other. A person who is always running to do everything becomes too tired to enjoy the reward when they finish."

Another person said,

"Because you are always saying you are going to do something, and never do it. You get excited about it, and even make some plans to do it, but for one reason or another you never finish what you began."

Another person very dear to me said, long ago,

"Because you are incompetent and unreliable."

Some person said to me,

"Because you are so used to not succeeding, you started to give up without even really trying. You are used to getting no reward for your effort. How long would any person stay in a situation where all their work was meaningless to others? And you stayed there for almost four years out of 'loyalty'. Why would people who are your 'friends' treat you like that? Because you taught them to do it. You didn't think you deserved any better."

I said, in July,

"so often I have had to hide from people I care for because I could not bear to see the disappointment in their eyes when I told them I had failed them."

One last thing.

"The part where you fail is because you're too scared to even plan because you think if you plan you commit - and if you commit your time, it means you can't do other things. But you don't realise that by not planning, you're actually doing none of the fun things. Nobody can do everything. You have to choose what you want."

I want to do many, many things, but I don't do any of them.

The advice some other person gave to me was, "Just write down what you want to do. Pick the easiest thing to start. You don't even have to intend to do it. Just make some plan about it. Once you have a plan, it's something that you can build off of. Even if it just to drop it later and do something else...but for God's sake, pick SOMETHING. Every day you don't do anything, is a day that you didn't take a step towards your dream."

So, I know what I want.

Really, I know what I have to do, too. Really my excuse of 'oh I am lazy' is a lie also. It's because I was scared of what it meant of moving forward.

My goal for this week is to look for gyms. I won't necessarily pick one. But I can definately call up some gyms and find out their prices and locations. That's something, right? It's a simple, simple easy goal. If I can do even just one simple thing, it's still a real, real thing, and I can build off of it for something better.

I want to write a lot more but I don't want to be a person who says "I will do this" and then not do it. That is who I am now. So instead of saying "I will do this" I will say "This is what I am doing" and then "This is what I did." I am starting with one thing at a time.

"I am going to find a gym to go to."

Really I am not overweight but I want to have better stamina, strength and endurance. I don't have any goal at the gym. I didn't even find one yet. I'm going to look for some gyms, and find one. That's all.

A lot of the things those people said to me were hurtful but they were also true. Words are...words are all I seem to do. I want to live in the real world with other people, now.