Infinite State Automaton

I'm at a crossroads in life.

It's been a long time since I've had to make such a difficult choice. It's also been a long time since I updated this blog. So, I will go through some recent history.

The most pertinent event is my contract at DASI running out at the end of February this year. Since then, I've been unemployed for getting close to three months now. I did do some minor work for a friend's badgemaking business, but nothing to live on.

I've been trying to decide if I should look for work in Sydney, or keep living in Adelaide. I do not have a partner or any financial obligations, and my only immediate relative living in Adelaide is my brother (there's more family in Sydney, actually).

The only thing really tying me to Adelaide at the moment is my friendship group, and lately, they have shown what valuable friends they are to me. I feel terrible not having any kind of real job. Not being able to do things because I don't have enough money is very painful and shameful. But for my career, the best place to be is Sydney...my choice is, essentially, do I move to get better job prospects or stay in Adelaide to be with my friends?

I haven't had proper friends like this for a very long time. What I want is to somehow have a good job and also keep my friendship group together. These things, they should not be mutually exclusive, right? But as time has gone on, the friendship group has started to splinter slightly. First, one moved to Canberra. Then, one of the couple's split up and the girl left our group. Then one of the guys is moving to Sweden for six months. Out of the original core group, there's just one couple, and myself. Sometimes I really do feel like a third wheel.

It's been a long time since I broke out of those endless circles I was spinning in. This is the first time that I need to choose. It's good. I really moved a long in my life.

It's my 30th birthday in a few weeks. I wanted to do something to honor my friends, to thank them for the loyalty and kindness that they have shown for me. I don't know if I will be in Adelaide to do that anymore.

I am not sad or bothered, just troubled. I don't know what my motivation to stay or go is. If I am honest with myself, I am looking for some kind of sign I guess. I want some reassurance from somewhere or something that I am making/have made the right decision. But really, I learned long ago that there isn't 'one true path' for everybody. Every decision is an opportunity to learn new things or better oneself in some way.

My friends have new jobs and new things to do. I have seen a great deal of them during our mutual 'holidays'. But this time is coming to an end. I have become addicted to spending time with people. It's not a bad thing, really. For somebody like me who spent so much time on computers, to want and crave other people around is a really great turn around. The fact that this blog hasn't been updated so frequently is another indication that my life changed dramatically these last two years.

I should move to Sydney, if I can find work there. What is stopping me is fear of the pain of losing my friends in Adelaide. Really, I will not be losing my friends. I will still keep in touch with them. But I got comfortable here. I enjoyed spending time with them, playing dodgeball, playing volleyball, watching movies. It seemed these timeless days could never end. One day, they must. Perhaps me leaving will be the event that precipitates it, or, perhaps James leaving to Sweden, or Cat's new job...what will happen after?

I can't wait for fate to hand me the last card left after everybody has already made their choice. Going to Sydney is the hard decision. In truth, if I could move to the USA, I would have done that instead, because that is where I want to go. Sydney is a stop in between goals. My reluctance is because it's not perfect, and I'm looking for an excuse, and that excuse is "It's not exactly right". I'm scared of finding happiness somewhere that doesn't line up with where I want to be, and being trapped there.

So, rationally, I already know what to do. I have learned a lot about living lately. It's the same situation as always. I love the convenience of the city, and the lifestyle of the countryside. How can I have two opposed things at the same time?