What an interesting week.
First of all - shout out to my mother.
Hi mum! I love you!
^_~
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'Helper Cat' is the name that Anna gave me. That is because it was my nature to help other people, always offering to volunteer my time and things to assist others. It is obligation free help. This is because of my time with the Lions Youth of the Year quest, from the question "What does it mean to be a volunteer?"
Although this was a very simple question, it stayed with me from that day - so well that I can't remember the other important question. Always, this has been my way. I have been raised to volunteer and to assist others, even to some personal cost. It is not some plan to convince others I am a nice person, omg, trust me! Although when I was younger, at first that was my way.
This person who felt guilty for not being sincere about his good actions was Azrael; that is the name I called myself on the internet back at that time. I had many misgivings with the church; I felt personally responsible for the misdeeds done in its name against my friends. I had been told that there was only two faiths in the world - you were a Christian of some variety, or you were evil and out to destroy all that was good and right. Encountering non-Christians who were good people was a big conondrum for me. Smite Evil does not work on good people. Very confusing for me.
However some time from then, I discovered a better me, one who was sincere in his actions, in my genuine desire to help other people for a greater good. I am happy to be this person. So from that time, I left the name Azrael behind. I did not need it anymore.
Last night I was told by my friend, "You eat like a cat." The meaning is, I am very particular with my cutlery, and always have to have neat hands. I think this is a result of my time as a baker; I despised having flour or any sticky thing on my skin. I would wash my hands many, many times in the morning (with industrial strength detergent. Don't do that.) while I was at work. From then, although my living habitat is always kind of messy (I prefer the term 'uniquely organised') my personal hygene has been very high. I dislike the feeling of oily skin or sweat in my clothes.
Cats are very important animals to me. Before Wallace the Great Devourer, there was Kitty, my friend and companion. Kitty was always aloof and unfriendly and did not like to hug. Nevertheless, she was very curious and would always like to be around people and watch, just not participate. Wallace is a dreadnought of a cat. He likes to be the centre of attention. His favourite game is to pretend that he wants you to pat his belly. Really he doesn't, he just wants you to put your hand near him so that he can bite it. His other favourite game is to steal all of the food from the neighbours houses, or to live in the gutter, or to sleep on the road, or vomit up horrors on the verandah. One time was a (still living) half meter tape worm. This was marginally less horrific than digging maggots out of Pony's skull (against all odds, operation SUCCESS), which to this day ranks as The Most Ghastly Thing I've Had To Do.
I think Wallace is in some degree feral. However, I liked his personality and some of it has rubbed off on to me. He is a very mellow person. When I visit home, he always remembers me, and we spend an hour or so catching up. I am then covered in cat hair and drool for the rest of my time at home, but I don't mind. There is some kind of special friendship we have that transcends normal limits.
Sometimes the best way to help is by not helping. You have to stand back and let the other people make their own mistakes, because if you get in the way, when it all falls apart they will blame you for their failure and not learn from the situation. It is hard for me to do this because I am a caring person and it goes against my nature to stand idle and let somebody else be hurt. In this kind of situation, the best thing is not to say 'I told you so' but to silently stay nearby for when they are ready to talk to you.
I am a good person. Every day that goes by, I am a slightly better person. Inside me is a shining white light and although I sometimes have dirty hands, it is nothing that I cannot wash off in time. I hate to have grime on my skin. During this time, I cannot touch anything that is valuable to me, because that valuable thing will then have the grime on it too, and it must be cleansed. It's easier to wait, and just wash my own hands. In the Bible, washing hands is also a way to say 'I am finished with a situation.' But in this case, I am not walking away. I am the good healer that knows that an infected injury must be cleansed before it can heal; and to cleanse, one must have clean hands.
