Groundhog Day
I'm looking at the things that seem to be happening in my life - the things that involve other people, friendships, relationships...it seems like a lot of the stuff that happened ten years ago is starting to come around again. Situations that I have been in before. Things that I have done before. Choices that I made the 'safe' choice and did nothing and now they are happening again.
Some of it is good. Old friends I haven't seen for a long time are suddenly appearing out of the wood work all at once. None of it is bad, except...now I am wondering if I made the right decisions the first time.
I think doing something for the sake of stubborness is the worst kind of foolishness. For example - for a long time I did not drink alcohol. I didn't have any real reason not to, except just this general feeling it would be a bad idea. I tried to justify it first by backing it up with religion, then by always wanting to be the responsible person, but the truth was I was afraid that if I got drunk I would do something stupid and lose the new friends that I had. But that was a good reason. Even though later I did try some alcohol and I did some very silly things, that isn't the point. The reason wasn't, "I am not going to drink alcohol because I have never tried it before." Some other Christians say that drinking alchohol is bad, and so they never touch it; and that if they ever did it it would somehow ruin all the times in their life before it and that it would make them bad. I think it's ok to say 'No I don't want to do this because I am afraid of it' but 'no I don't want to do this because if I do, it will invalidate my decisions not to previously' is a poor reason.
I didn't know it, but my mother was very proud of me for not drinking alcohol at all. This was not the reason I didn't drink; it was the fear that I would lose control. I was afraid of what I might do to myself or other people.
I am looking at the events slowly building up around me and - although different faces, different names - things seem eerily familiar. Will I make the same decisions I made in the past? Well, I am older now, and my feelings and motives are different.
Dana would say, "This is your opportunity to fix the mistakes you made in your past." That I could somehow undo the things that I regret by achieving my goals in these new circumstances. However these things that are happening were not mistakes. They were situations where my life could have taken a different turn, followed a slightly different path. Choices. Choices where, there was no 'the right thing' or better or worse. Choices like...what is my favourite colour?
Choices, choices.
In Groundhog Day, the man had to get the best ending of the day to break out of the endless cycle. Now, I am not comparing myself to that, and I certainly do not have infinite time. I already made my choice, and I am seeing how the pieces line up against it. The last time, I didn't stick to my decision and my world crumbled.
Was it a warning, an opportunity for lessons to be learned? Or is this just a cooincidence, and I am reading too much in to it? That by thinking like this, I am seeing extra links that do not actually exist.
Am I a fool for ignoring the signs, or a fool for seeking signs?
Some of it is good. Old friends I haven't seen for a long time are suddenly appearing out of the wood work all at once. None of it is bad, except...now I am wondering if I made the right decisions the first time.
I think doing something for the sake of stubborness is the worst kind of foolishness. For example - for a long time I did not drink alcohol. I didn't have any real reason not to, except just this general feeling it would be a bad idea. I tried to justify it first by backing it up with religion, then by always wanting to be the responsible person, but the truth was I was afraid that if I got drunk I would do something stupid and lose the new friends that I had. But that was a good reason. Even though later I did try some alcohol and I did some very silly things, that isn't the point. The reason wasn't, "I am not going to drink alcohol because I have never tried it before." Some other Christians say that drinking alchohol is bad, and so they never touch it; and that if they ever did it it would somehow ruin all the times in their life before it and that it would make them bad. I think it's ok to say 'No I don't want to do this because I am afraid of it' but 'no I don't want to do this because if I do, it will invalidate my decisions not to previously' is a poor reason.
I didn't know it, but my mother was very proud of me for not drinking alcohol at all. This was not the reason I didn't drink; it was the fear that I would lose control. I was afraid of what I might do to myself or other people.
I am looking at the events slowly building up around me and - although different faces, different names - things seem eerily familiar. Will I make the same decisions I made in the past? Well, I am older now, and my feelings and motives are different.
Dana would say, "This is your opportunity to fix the mistakes you made in your past." That I could somehow undo the things that I regret by achieving my goals in these new circumstances. However these things that are happening were not mistakes. They were situations where my life could have taken a different turn, followed a slightly different path. Choices. Choices where, there was no 'the right thing' or better or worse. Choices like...what is my favourite colour?
Choices, choices.
In Groundhog Day, the man had to get the best ending of the day to break out of the endless cycle. Now, I am not comparing myself to that, and I certainly do not have infinite time. I already made my choice, and I am seeing how the pieces line up against it. The last time, I didn't stick to my decision and my world crumbled.
Was it a warning, an opportunity for lessons to be learned? Or is this just a cooincidence, and I am reading too much in to it? That by thinking like this, I am seeing extra links that do not actually exist.
Am I a fool for ignoring the signs, or a fool for seeking signs?
