To Kill a Mockingbird
This week has been very hard for me. I learned many painful things.
This week has been very good for me. I learned many important things.
Growing is hard to do. The comfortable clothes you have and the world around you does not change to match the different you. Instead, you have to adjust to the world as you yourself change. In the process of adjusting, you also grow - and so the process of growing and adjusting is one of constant change. To not grow, means to stop changing, means to no longer fit in to the world, and so you will be left behind; die.
That is the rule of life.
Goals:
Food - this has been terrible. I know the reason for me to fail here and I will be working on it this week.
Saving - I managed to meet my goal for four weeks, but then my car had a problem which used up EXACTLY the total amount I had saved so far >.>;; Cars are expensive. But, I learned that I can use public transport to go from work to home faster than driving in the afternoon. Car fuel is very expensive. I run through $60 a week. Public transport will cost me $40 a week. It is only a small saving, but like all things in life, it is the little things that add up to make a big thing.
I will try it out not this week, but the week after, and see how much of a difference it makes.
I am not sure if this is a 'win' or a 'loss'. I did manage to save money. If I didn't have saved money, then my car could not be fixed. From the long term plan, this step was failed, but in the short term, it was success. I think this is the meaning of the saying "To win the battle but lose the war." Fortunately I have many, many more battles ahead of me, so I can still try to change my fate.
Exercise - I did not go to the gym for over a week now, so you would think 'Oh Sky, you failed here.' Actually I exercised a lot harder this week than I did before! I have fenced for two Monday nights in a row. Fencing is...unlike gym, which leaves me broken and utterly unable to move, fencing is an endurance thing. It uses completely different muscles, too. It is the junction of three things - your intellect, your strength, and your precision.
The following Wednesday I also went sailing again. This time I did not fall in to the ocean, win! The wind was stronger so the waves were bigger, but the direction was more favourable and so we did not have to tack as often. My fellow Lion from Kenya, Boyan, came out this week. Due to car trouble (and having to borrow my brothers car) ID I did not get to go sailing at the most recent time, but hopefully next week will be better.
I saw how dangerous sailing could be last time. There were thirty boats all trying to do a 180 degree turn about a buoy in the river channel, only a hundred metres wide. I did not see a single boat collide with another, but the sounds told an amazing story. Even though we moved so slow, the sharp crack of sails changing in the wind, the yells of boatsmen warning to each other, the crash-sh of wash being forced out...all of it combined in to a very tense situation.
I count sailing as exercise because the next day my body hurts like I have been exercising. I am not sure exactly what I have done that counts as exercise while I am on the boat, but it hurts, so, as long as the body thinks I am fit, it's all good.
Saturday afternoon was laser skirmish. This is done outdoors. We wore hats that detected when a laser had been fired at it, and the hats had a wire that connected them to the gun - if you were hit, the gun was disabled from firing for three seconds (but you could still be hit, so run and hide!). The guns were quite large and surprisingly heavy. The children had a small uzi style thing that they could fire one handed, that had a red laser pointer targetter. The women and Sky had a heavier four kilogram thing that needed two hands to fire and a scope. It was designed to be used as a sniper rifle. To make it more fun, this gun would announce loudly when you were out of ammunition.
The last gun was a fat five kilogram monster that was some kind of heavy machine gun. It was a 'spray and pray' approach. All of the men except for myself took this one, so of course I was the butt of many jokes about taking a womens gun. Well, I am not very strong! But actually I had seen the terrain that we would be fighting on, and it was a heavy slope with lots of objects to hide behind. I knew that most of us were unfit and would want to play the sniper game. So, having a sniper rifle seemed like the smartest thing to do. I am glad that I chose it because my arms did suffer a lot from carrying it around, but not as badly as the men who then had big bruises on their arms the next day at work!
This game was a lot of fun. The only problem for me is that I like instant gratification, if I can't see that I scored a hit on somebody I keep on shooting at them - if they don't react (and many of the children completely ignored that they had just been liquidated and continued to fire at me even though their gun had stopped working) I would keep plugging away until they gave up or I ran out of ammo. I could not tell if I had scored a hit or was missing my target unless I was close enough to hear their gun make the 'omg I was hit!' sound, which was about, fifty metres.
I did not know how to use a scope. This was a surprise! Previously I have used only open sight weapons, so you would get up real close and personal with it to get the best shot. But this scope would not work unless you moved your head slightly back from it. Perhaps my head was in the wrong position, and many of my attacks missed the target - I don't know.
This Tuesday coming, Michael is taking me with him to the Army Reserve training. I was also approached on Friday to consider doing Masters after I graduate. They didn't ask for a yes/no, just to say "Would you consider it?" I said I would consider it but I would like to know more details first. I said about my original plan to move to USA for my dream job, but I was keenly aware that where I am now is very good and 85% my dream job already.
I need to work out what I want again, and what is important to me.
Relationships - this was a really big surprise.
Kind of I was still on a downward spiral to self destruct. I was looking for something to hang on to so that I didn't have to start all over again. There was a girl that I had been very cruel to only a few months ago who, out of desperation, I turned to. What I found surprised me and was a big wake up call for me.
She said that she had forgiven me for the way I had treated her. Instead of allowing it to hurt her, she said that it had inspired her to prove me that I was wrong about her, and she had moved on in her life to successful things. She also thanked me, because in the midst of saying painful things to her, I had also said some things that were deeply inspiring to her.
She taught me that forgiveness is something that a person has from inside of them. They don't need to say it to another person, "I forgive you for xxx". If you have to tell the person you forgive them to feel better about it yourself, then you didn't really forgive them, did you?
There has always been some sexual tension between the two of us, but we have not done anything about it because she is married. After this conversation, the tension vanished. I did not realise that I had been behaving badly until I stopped doing it. I literally could not see. Afterwards, we went out to the Fringe Festival together and had a great time. We changed our frustration with each other for wanting to do something we shouldn't do, into a...I am not really sure. Whatever it was, it was a good thing. Instead of feeling some obligation to hold her things while she was trying on different clothes, instead of feeling obliged to do/say something, I was able to move honestly and freely. I felt good and confident about myself and was able to relax, and she did too. We talked about it and wondered the reasons for it. I don't know.
But whatever the situation, we somehow built a surprisingly good friendship out of an embarassing and awkward situation. Somehow we gave each other exactly what we needed, not what we wanted.
From this, I realised that what I had said earlier in my blog about women was disrespectful and wrong. I wanted to delete it, but as an adult I must accept responsibility for the things that I have done and said. Later I will write more in my blog about it, but for now, this apology can do.
--Edit:
I forgot the last bit of exercise that I did which was, for lazy Sky, quite epic. After I took my car to the mechanic, I walked to work - I knew I would be late, but I didn't realise HOW late - an hour and a half. On Friday, I left work at 4:20 and ran to the mechanic. I got there at 4:50. I ran in thirty minutes what it had taken me ninety minutes to walk. I don't know the distance or how it compares to actual effort (as I didn't run ALL of the way) but I haven't run this distance for a long time. It's a small but definite show that the gym and exercise is improving my fitness. I am really happy :D
This week has been very good for me. I learned many important things.
Growing is hard to do. The comfortable clothes you have and the world around you does not change to match the different you. Instead, you have to adjust to the world as you yourself change. In the process of adjusting, you also grow - and so the process of growing and adjusting is one of constant change. To not grow, means to stop changing, means to no longer fit in to the world, and so you will be left behind; die.
That is the rule of life.
Goals:
Food - this has been terrible. I know the reason for me to fail here and I will be working on it this week.
Saving - I managed to meet my goal for four weeks, but then my car had a problem which used up EXACTLY the total amount I had saved so far >.>;; Cars are expensive. But, I learned that I can use public transport to go from work to home faster than driving in the afternoon. Car fuel is very expensive. I run through $60 a week. Public transport will cost me $40 a week. It is only a small saving, but like all things in life, it is the little things that add up to make a big thing.
I will try it out not this week, but the week after, and see how much of a difference it makes.
I am not sure if this is a 'win' or a 'loss'. I did manage to save money. If I didn't have saved money, then my car could not be fixed. From the long term plan, this step was failed, but in the short term, it was success. I think this is the meaning of the saying "To win the battle but lose the war." Fortunately I have many, many more battles ahead of me, so I can still try to change my fate.
Exercise - I did not go to the gym for over a week now, so you would think 'Oh Sky, you failed here.' Actually I exercised a lot harder this week than I did before! I have fenced for two Monday nights in a row. Fencing is...unlike gym, which leaves me broken and utterly unable to move, fencing is an endurance thing. It uses completely different muscles, too. It is the junction of three things - your intellect, your strength, and your precision.
The following Wednesday I also went sailing again. This time I did not fall in to the ocean, win! The wind was stronger so the waves were bigger, but the direction was more favourable and so we did not have to tack as often. My fellow Lion from Kenya, Boyan, came out this week. Due to car trouble (and having to borrow my brothers car) ID I did not get to go sailing at the most recent time, but hopefully next week will be better.
I saw how dangerous sailing could be last time. There were thirty boats all trying to do a 180 degree turn about a buoy in the river channel, only a hundred metres wide. I did not see a single boat collide with another, but the sounds told an amazing story. Even though we moved so slow, the sharp crack of sails changing in the wind, the yells of boatsmen warning to each other, the crash-sh of wash being forced out...all of it combined in to a very tense situation.
I count sailing as exercise because the next day my body hurts like I have been exercising. I am not sure exactly what I have done that counts as exercise while I am on the boat, but it hurts, so, as long as the body thinks I am fit, it's all good.
Saturday afternoon was laser skirmish. This is done outdoors. We wore hats that detected when a laser had been fired at it, and the hats had a wire that connected them to the gun - if you were hit, the gun was disabled from firing for three seconds (but you could still be hit, so run and hide!). The guns were quite large and surprisingly heavy. The children had a small uzi style thing that they could fire one handed, that had a red laser pointer targetter. The women and Sky had a heavier four kilogram thing that needed two hands to fire and a scope. It was designed to be used as a sniper rifle. To make it more fun, this gun would announce loudly when you were out of ammunition.
The last gun was a fat five kilogram monster that was some kind of heavy machine gun. It was a 'spray and pray' approach. All of the men except for myself took this one, so of course I was the butt of many jokes about taking a womens gun. Well, I am not very strong! But actually I had seen the terrain that we would be fighting on, and it was a heavy slope with lots of objects to hide behind. I knew that most of us were unfit and would want to play the sniper game. So, having a sniper rifle seemed like the smartest thing to do. I am glad that I chose it because my arms did suffer a lot from carrying it around, but not as badly as the men who then had big bruises on their arms the next day at work!
This game was a lot of fun. The only problem for me is that I like instant gratification, if I can't see that I scored a hit on somebody I keep on shooting at them - if they don't react (and many of the children completely ignored that they had just been liquidated and continued to fire at me even though their gun had stopped working) I would keep plugging away until they gave up or I ran out of ammo. I could not tell if I had scored a hit or was missing my target unless I was close enough to hear their gun make the 'omg I was hit!' sound, which was about, fifty metres.
I did not know how to use a scope. This was a surprise! Previously I have used only open sight weapons, so you would get up real close and personal with it to get the best shot. But this scope would not work unless you moved your head slightly back from it. Perhaps my head was in the wrong position, and many of my attacks missed the target - I don't know.
This Tuesday coming, Michael is taking me with him to the Army Reserve training. I was also approached on Friday to consider doing Masters after I graduate. They didn't ask for a yes/no, just to say "Would you consider it?" I said I would consider it but I would like to know more details first. I said about my original plan to move to USA for my dream job, but I was keenly aware that where I am now is very good and 85% my dream job already.
I need to work out what I want again, and what is important to me.
Relationships - this was a really big surprise.
Kind of I was still on a downward spiral to self destruct. I was looking for something to hang on to so that I didn't have to start all over again. There was a girl that I had been very cruel to only a few months ago who, out of desperation, I turned to. What I found surprised me and was a big wake up call for me.
She said that she had forgiven me for the way I had treated her. Instead of allowing it to hurt her, she said that it had inspired her to prove me that I was wrong about her, and she had moved on in her life to successful things. She also thanked me, because in the midst of saying painful things to her, I had also said some things that were deeply inspiring to her.
She taught me that forgiveness is something that a person has from inside of them. They don't need to say it to another person, "I forgive you for xxx". If you have to tell the person you forgive them to feel better about it yourself, then you didn't really forgive them, did you?
There has always been some sexual tension between the two of us, but we have not done anything about it because she is married. After this conversation, the tension vanished. I did not realise that I had been behaving badly until I stopped doing it. I literally could not see. Afterwards, we went out to the Fringe Festival together and had a great time. We changed our frustration with each other for wanting to do something we shouldn't do, into a...I am not really sure. Whatever it was, it was a good thing. Instead of feeling some obligation to hold her things while she was trying on different clothes, instead of feeling obliged to do/say something, I was able to move honestly and freely. I felt good and confident about myself and was able to relax, and she did too. We talked about it and wondered the reasons for it. I don't know.
But whatever the situation, we somehow built a surprisingly good friendship out of an embarassing and awkward situation. Somehow we gave each other exactly what we needed, not what we wanted.
From this, I realised that what I had said earlier in my blog about women was disrespectful and wrong. I wanted to delete it, but as an adult I must accept responsibility for the things that I have done and said. Later I will write more in my blog about it, but for now, this apology can do.
--Edit:
I forgot the last bit of exercise that I did which was, for lazy Sky, quite epic. After I took my car to the mechanic, I walked to work - I knew I would be late, but I didn't realise HOW late - an hour and a half. On Friday, I left work at 4:20 and ran to the mechanic. I got there at 4:50. I ran in thirty minutes what it had taken me ninety minutes to walk. I don't know the distance or how it compares to actual effort (as I didn't run ALL of the way) but I haven't run this distance for a long time. It's a small but definite show that the gym and exercise is improving my fitness. I am really happy :D
